On Desire and Capacity

There should have been at least one additional post of my “foraged thoughts” since the first one, but my foray attempts returned scattered goods. Perhaps more accurately, they have returned limited resources and writing felt it would stretch what resources I have too far. 

It can be challenging for me to string together words to share in a static form. It is not for any lack of words in my head, of course. Journaling, for instance, that’s easy, I can follow a stream of consciousness for hours. 

But a text, an email, a response in a chat, all of those I will agonize over far longer than should be normal; much less trying to craft a long(er) form post. Maybe it is anxiety, or executive functioning, or simply being overly critical of myself. I am not as concerned with the cause as having an awareness of the challenge, accepting it, and figuring out the best ways for me to work with or through it. 

One obvious option could be not writing long form posts, but that is not what I want. Another option is to acknowledge and assess my capacity to write, consider what I can do differently - if anything - to change the circumstances, and do so without judgment,

As I considered what to write and why it has felt so difficult for me to produce something, I realized this challenge is part of a broader pattern. One of having oscillating energy and enthusiasm. It is a pattern that shows up for me in writing, in working out, in reading, in my spiritual practices. As much as I wish to do something, I don’t always feel like I have the resources to see it through. 

Sometimes what we desire and what we feel capable of are out of alignment. 

And, of course, this is so normal! Our capacity shifts and changes over time. Maybe those shifts happen in cycles, maybe with the seasons, maybe capacity changes as responsibilities and times in our lives have changed. More often than not, I imagine that most of us feel these shifts in ourselves as a kind of ebb and flow. 

Being interested in helping others explore their spirituality, I’m going to use when I’ve felt challenged to attend and attune to my own spiritual practices as an example. That’ll give me something to write about at least!

There are times when I am super consistent at showing up at my altar, or sitting in meditation, or getting out into the woods on a regular basis. It should also not come as a surprise that there are plenty of times where I am all too aware of how many weeks, or months, have passed between when I’ve felt really in “good practice.” Often in those “out-of-practice” times, what capacity I have for spiritual practice gets focused on preparing for group events or sitting with seekers. In many ways, this is something I also benefit from spiritually - for me, the ministry and spiritual companionship I offer is itself a spiritual practice. 

However, it isn’t always the practice that most feeds and develops my own connection to the Sacred, so when I am feeling diminished, when my current capacity for spiritual practice is not lining up with how I want my practice to be, I take a step back and assess: 

What is going on in my life? 

I’ve got a day job, I’ve got a house, I’ve got a relationship, I’ve got family and friends. These all require energy and attention, and sometimes what capacity I have needs to be focused there. If that’s the case, perhaps the best I can do is try to add intentional pauses in order to appreciate the sacredness of these relationships and opportunities. 

What is going on with my body? 

Being an embodied spirit is taxing! We have aches and pains and physical needs. If I do not physically feel well, then I cannot focus much of my attention on my spiritual well being. In these times, I try to remind myself that exercise, body work, and rest can all be spiritual practices too. While I haven’t yet unlocked the secret to feeling like intense exercise connects me with Spirit, a long walk or a yoga session may be what helps me strengthen that connection again.  

What is going on with my mind and spirit? 

This may be more difficult to assess, because feeling that I’m not paying enough attention to my spiritual needs may be the cause of feeling off in my mind or spirit. That may tell me something though; perhaps what I’m needing most is a retreat, or there is a particular question I want to bring to my own spiritual direction. Maybe what I find I need is to set up an appointment with my therapist or address something going on with my mental health. Maybe I need to get stoned and play video games one evening. Mental rest, maybe even more so than physical rest sometimes, increases my capacity for everything I desire.

Will adding self-imposed limits or responsibilities increase or hinder my capacity right now? 

Sometimes adding structures or other obligations is helpful. Having to manage my time tightly in order to accomplish everything I want can help me focus my energy toward the things that matter most to me. Sometimes trying to create or recreate structure just makes me feel overwhelmed and moves me deeper into a place of listlessness, or worse, apathy. 

The questions and answers overlap and can affect each other, of course. What I am reminding myself of, and what I hope others may find useful, is that spiritual practice can happen in many different forms. When I feel like I’ve fallen “out-of-practice,” perhaps what I need is to do is recognize the spiritual practice inherent in something I need otherwise. Easy things: saying good morning to the trees while walking or biking to work, asking my spouse about her day and listening deeply, offering a prayer of gratitude while doing some much needed housework, or witnessing universal experience reflected in the story of a book or game.

In the process of checking in with myself, I also increase my capacity because I acknowledge all that may be going on and give myself permission to take a break if I need it.

As for writing, well, I haven’t quite perfected my process of increasing my capacity for that, yet, but this has been a good exercise at recognizing how I feel, some contributing factors, and changing my perspective from challenge to creation. Even if it took a week longer than I intended!